Properly Identifying Difficult People
Dealing with a Difficult Boss
How to Deal with a Difficult Employee
Determining If You’re a Difficult Person
Strategies for Coping with Difficult People
Identifying and Overcoming Defensive Behavior
Expecting the Best from Difficult People
The Communication Styles of Difficult People
Communicating Clearly with Difficult People
Using Nonverbal Clues with Difficult People
Listening Actively with Difficult PeopleProperly Identifying Difficult People——————————————————————————–Have you ever said something like, “Boy, life at work would be so much easier if I didn’t have to deal with Martha”? You obviously perceive Martha as a difficult person, but is she really?
Difficult people can be bosses or co-workers who intimidate or gossip about others. They might miss deadlines, blame their shortcomings on others, or complain about everything and everybody. Their behaviors result in lost time and talent as they often drive others away. Worst of all, they appear to have no idea that their behavior is perceived negatively.
The first step in dealing with this kind of person is to determine whether the individual is really a “difficult ” person or if the individual is just having an “off” day. To determine if someone is a difficult person, ask yourself or others the following three questions.
Does this individual have a history of being a difficult person?
Asking this question helps you determine if there was a time when the person didn’t act difficult. Check that out by getting a historical appraisal from others. Do they perceive the individual’s current behavior as a passing phase or something more prevalent?
Is the person reacting to a particular event?
This is a critical question to ask if the person doesn’t have a history of being difficult. Someone might be grieving over the death of a loved one or the breakup of a marriage. Or the individual might be disappointed about being passed over for promotion. Atypical behavior in these instances should be considered “normal” under the circumstances.
Am I overreacting to this person?
Sometimes your own perceptions or expectations can affect the way you view another person. Therefore, be sure to check your own reactions to the person. You can do this by talking to others and either verifying your perceptions, or gaining the perspective of a colleague or supervisor who may have a different reaction to the individual.
If the individual has demonstrated a history of being difficult, if there isn’t a precipitating event to explain the person’s behavior, and if your own perceptions are correct, then it’s probably safe to consider the individual to be a difficult person.
You always should ask yourself a few defining questions before assuming that someone is a difficult person. After all, you probably wouldn’t like it if someone mislabeled you as temperamental or hard to get along with. By taking the time to properly identify difficult people, you can then determine how to appropriately cope with them.
Dealing with a Difficult Boss
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You’ve probably met all types of people in your life—helpful people, mean people, boring people, and difficult people. You’ve probably figured out ways to avoid the latter, but what can you do if the difficult person is your boss? When dealing with a difficult boss, you can use a number of strategies, several of which are described below.
1. Rephrase instructions or requests.
Rephrasing instructions has several benefits. First, it’s simple. Don’t parrot your boss’s words, but do confirm every detail of your boss’s requests. Second, rephrasing gives you a sense of control. You are, in effect, emphasizing your competence. Third, and perhaps most important, it assures your boss that you’ve listened carefully to his or her directions and helps to allay any fears your boss may have that his or her instructions weren’t heard or won’t be carried out properly.
2. Commit to a course of action.
Committing to a course of action means that you take specific, not general, action. Bosses are held accountable for your work, and they can’t be vague about their promises. Consider the two statements below.
Wrong way: “I think I can summarize the results of our marketing meeting, but it will take some time. I’ll try to get it to you next week or the following week at the latest.”
Right way: “We’re meeting to discuss the results of the marketing meeting, and I’ll have our suggestions on your desk first thing Monday morning.”
3. Get on the boss’s good side.
The third method is to get on the boss’s good side. Every difficult boss needs someone he or she can trust. Why shouldn’t it be you? To get on the boss’s side, use the following strategies.
Follow through. If you say you’ll do something, then do it. By following through, you’ll prove to your boss that you’re dependable and trustworthy.
Don’t waste the boss’s time. Get to the point quickly when you bring your boss up-to-speed on developments. Keep it short and sweet, and tell the boss exactly what he or she wants or needs to know. You’ll be appreciated for your brevity.
Don’t be a gossip. If you prove you can keep a confidence, you’ll definitely get on your boss’s good side.
Never make excuses for poor work quality or missed deadlines—or anything else, for that matter. Bosses are bombarded by excuses every day. They don’t want to hear it; they want to see results.
Take responsibility for your mistakes. Don’t blame others for your shortcomings. Your boss has to take the heat for his decisions, and he’ll expect the same from you. Admit the mistake, explain what you’ll do to correct it, do so, and then move on.
Keep your sense of humor, no matter how hard that may be. Your boss needs a go-to person during high-pressure situations. If you can maintain your perspective and respond with grace, you’ll prove to be a valuable ally.
Difficult bosses can be tough, but if you work to make their lives easier, you might just find them returning the favor. Using survival methods such as rephrasing instructions, committing to a course of action, and getting on the boss’s good side might enable you to not only survive working with a difficult boss, but actually thrive on it.
How to Deal with a Difficult Employee
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If you’re a boss, chances are that you have, or have had, at least one difficult employee. What have you done to deal with that person? Did your actions help you deal productively with the individual? Or did your actions have the reverse effect and egg the person on?
There are both productive ways and destructive ways to supervise troublesome employees. Four strategies you can use to deal productively with a difficult employee are described below.
1. Never criticize the employee in public.
The reasons for the first strategy—never criticize an employee in public—are many, but the best reason for omitting this practice is that it isn’t effective. In fact, it usually backfires and produces the opposite effect. Public criticism shames and humiliates people. Even if the criticism is warranted, you may never again gain the trust and confidence of the injured party. Never assume that such criticism is harmless.
2. Praise the employee publicly.
Raising a person’s esteem in the presence of co-workers can pump up even mediocre employees, and motivate that person to keep up the good work. Public recognition also creates an upbeat spirit that energizes everyone present, not just the employee who’s receiving the praise.
3. Respond calmly and rationally.
Lashing out at errant or frustrating employees doesn’t work. Difficult employees often tune out the criticism and focus on the emotion. When the tongue-lashing is over, they’ll likely decide to cause you even more misery. Instead of striking out verbally, you should practice personal coping techniques such as deep breathing or slowly counting to 10 before responding. Tactics such as these can help you maintain your cool during critical moments.
4. Attribute positive characteristics to the employee.
The final strategy for dealing productively with a difficult employee is to attribute positive characteristics to the employee. When you do so, you’re actually giving the person advance credit for skills that you would like to see him or her develop. People build on their perceived strengths, and it doesn’t matter if those strengths are real or imagined. Offer your difficult employee a strength he or she can build on.
To deal effectively with difficult employees, there are a few points to remember. Praise, both public and private, always gets a better response than criticism. When you must give criticism, do it in private and offer constructive feedback, not personal attacks. Always respond to difficult employees calmly and rationally. Finally, remember that when you attribute a positive trait to an employee, that person is probably going to start acting that way regularly.
Determining If You’re a Difficult Person
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Do you find that you’re the only one who has problems with a particular person—someone who everyone else seems to get along with? Or have you noticed that you have very few, if any, friends at work? Has anyone at work told you you’re annoying? Are you reading this SkillBrief because your boss told you to?
If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’ll have to consider that maybe you are the difficult person. It’s easy to blame conflicts on the other guy, but saying it’s the other person’s fault doesn’t necessarily make it so. Before you point your finger, you should take a look at yourself. Use the following strategies to determine if you’re the difficult person.
1. Evaluate your own actions and behaviors.
Self-examination is always difficult, but it can be extremely worthwhile. Some of the areas in which you should evaluate yourself, and some points to keep in mind, are listed below.
Ask yourself if you’re judgmental. Judging others is an easy way for you to feel superior. It also allows you to avoid examining yourself.
Has anyone ever told you that you never listen? When someone is speaking, do you interrupt, or do you change the subject and head off in another direction? If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, quit talking and start listening.
How tolerant are you? If your viewpoint must be the only right one, you’re far too intolerant. People who are open to new ideas and different ways of doing things are generally happier and better liked than their counterparts.
A mature person thinks before he acts. Keep that e-mail one day before sending it, bite your tongue before lashing out, take deep breaths, count to 10, and consider your next move. You’ll reduce your stress level and the number of regrets you’ll have later.
These aren’t the only areas in which you should evaluate yourself. However, they can provide a good starting point. Depending on your responses, you’ll find yourself asking additional questions that will help you clarify areas in which you’re difficult.
2. Ask a close friend to assess your character and behavior.
The next thing you can do is talk to a close friend and ask for an honest assessment of your character and behavior. Assure your friend that you won’t get angry with him or her, and be sure that you don’t. The questions listed above are appropriate ones to ask your friend to respond to. And like before, you’ll find yourself asking more in-depth questions as your friend offers you feedback. The information you glean can be extremely valuable. View it as such, and learn from it.
3. Put yourself in someone else’s shoes.
Another thing you can do is to put yourself in someone else’s shoes to try to determine the other person’s perspective of you. As you assess yourself through someone else’s eyes, write down the mannerisms you have that might annoy that person. When you put yourself in someone else’s shoes, the information you learn from the experience won’t necessarily be accurate, but it will give you some perspective. And at this point, that may be all you need to confirm that you are a difficult person.
If you seriously spend some time in self-evaluation, get some input from a friend, and take the time to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, you create the possibility for change. If you’ve been tough to work with in the past, you’ve now got a chance to make a change. One thing is certain: Everyone will appreciate your efforts.
Strategies for Coping with Difficult People
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How often, after losing an exchange with a difficult person, have you slapped yourself on the forehead and thought, “Why didn’t I handle that better?” Brain freeze, a slang expression for the inability to cope spontaneously, is a common problem when dealing with difficult people who seem to have a knack for triggering automatic defensive behaviors. The best way to handle brain freeze is to plan ahead for coping with these difficult people.
Your plan should take into consideration the type of person you’ll be dealing with, the typical behaviors the person will exhibit, and the actual coping steps to be used. Also, you should get input from others who aren’t part of the problem, because they might have insights you haven’t thought of. Then you should formulate your plan, review your plan with an objective person, and practice, practice, practice.
1. Formulate your plan.
The first strategy, formulate your plan, comprises four steps, which are described below.
The first step is to write down the actions and behaviors the difficult person displays. Does the person get angry easily? Does he shout? Is he aggressive? Is he on a power trip?
The second step is to write down how you’ve responded to the difficult person’s behaviors in the past. Did you lose your cool? Did you shout? Did you quietly withdraw? Did you become sarcastic?
The third step of formulating a plan is to evaluate your notes. Which of your responses, if any, seemed to improve your interaction with the difficult person? Which responses seemed to aggravate the situation?
The fourth step of formulating your strategy is to determine a course of action. Jot down everything that pops into your head. Your initial ideas don’t have to be realistic, or even serious. Just get them all on paper. When you’re done writing, examine the ideas until you find one you think is viable.
Write down your new plan and the date by which you’ll carry it out. Committing to a definite date takes your plan out of the realm of good intentions and makes it a practical reality.
2. Review your plan with an objective person.
Choose someone trustworthy with whom you can review your plan. Ask this individual if your perceptions are accurate and if your plan is truly realistic. If necessary, work with this individual to refine your plan or your projected deadline for following through with it.
3. Practice its execution.
The third and final strategy is to practice your plan of action with someone. Thinking about your responses isn’t enough. Practice out loud so you can hear the words. Practice will make your responses flow smoothly and naturally.
Once you incorporate all three strategies—formulating a plan, reviewing it with an objective person, and practicing its execution—you have a viable plan for coping with the difficult person. Learning to plan ahead can make your coping strategies more effective.
Identifying and Overcoming Defensive Behavior
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Everyone gets defensive at some time or another. It’s a natural reaction to any number of circumstances. But by becoming defensive, you delay or deflect any chance of resolving the issue that made you defensive in the first place. Therefore, it’s important to understand the types of defensive behavior and be aware of how you can overcome your defensive reactions when you’re placed in difficult situations at work.
At the most basic level, defensive reactions are aimed at survival. The defensive reaction to a physical threat is to fight or to run. But most perceived threats in the workplace are to an employee’s emotional or psychological well-being—or, more specifically, to the employee’s self-esteem. The response, however, is similar to a perceived physical threat—people either strike out verbally or they retreat.
These instinctive responses result in the four common types of defensive reactions you use in difficult situations—blaming others, blaming yourself, walling off, and diverting attention. Details about these four defensive reactions are provided below.
Blaming others or blaming yourself
When you feel threatened, it’s common to retaliate by blaming someone else. However, if the other person refuses to let you blame him or her, you could easily feel threatened enough to start blaming yourself instead of the other person. By placing the blame on yourself, you’re still reacting defensively. Your response is calculated to deflect further blows from the other person and elicit sympathy as well.
Walling off
Some people “wall off” their perceived attacker when they’re threatened. That is, they erect an imaginary wall between the threat and themselves. From that point forward, they refuse to communicate.
Diverting attention
The “diverter” is someone who uses misdirection to deflect threats. He might try to change the subject or use humor or flattery to placate his attacker and divert attention from himself.
Now that you are familiar with the most common defensive behaviors, you’re ready to learn how to overcome them. The three steps for responding nondefensively in a business situation are listed below.
Note which of the four defensive behaviors you’re about to use.
When someone says something that makes you want to react defensively, instead of instantly reacting, pause. Stop what you’re doing and evaluate your initial, internal response to the given stimuli. While you’re pausing, note which defensive behavior you were about to use. Were you just about to blame someone else? Were you going to try to deflect attention away from yourself? Were you prepared to blame yourself for the problem? Or were you just going to shut down all communication and leave?
Identify the threat.
What do you think you’re being accused of, and why? For example, if your team is late in turning in a project, do you feel like it’s your fault? Or do you know that it’s someone else’s fault, but you’re worried that you’ll be blamed instead? Are you afraid of appearing weak, incompetent, or foolish in the eyes of your co-workers and bosses? Dig deeply to unearth just what it is, exactly, that you’re afraid of in a certain situation.
Plan a nondefensive response.
If you know what threatens you, it’ll be much easier for you to react without defensiveness when you’re placed in a threatening situation. For instance, if you know your team will be criticized because a project deadline was missed, plan to accept responsibility. Then be prepared to outline the steps you’ll take to ensure that future project deadlines won’t be missed.
It’s easy to react defensively in difficult situations. However, by being aware of the different types of defensive behavior, and following the three steps above, you’ll be able to respond calmly and rationally to any situation, no matter how threatening it is.
Expecting the Best from Difficult People
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Why do average workers become exceptional when they work with one boss, but remain average when they work with a different boss? If you were to ask an exceptional worker this question, he’d probably reply that his boss expects the best from him. And if you were to ask an average worker this question, he’d probably tell you that his boss doesn’t expect him to do anything more than what he’s paid to do.
The concept is the same when you’re dealing with difficult people in the workplace. Expect the worst from them, and they won’t disappoint. Expect the best, and you’ll get more. To expect the best, you must erase those old, negative expectations you have about the difficult people in your life. The following methods will help you get the best from a difficult person at work.
1. Give the person the benefit of the doubt.
One method for expecting the best from a difficult person at work is to give him the benefit of the doubt. Assume he doesn’t know he’s being difficult.
2. Attribute the desired behavior.
Another method for getting the best from a difficult person at work is to attribute the desired behavior to the difficult person, even if the person isn’t displaying that behavior at the time. For example, attribute behaviors such as being evenhanded, fair-minded, and understanding to the person. This may encourage the person to then exhibit those behaviors, because if the person doesn’t, he or she would risk not living up to your advance praise.
3. Reinforce positive behavior.
The third method is to reinforce the positive behavior you attributed to the difficult person. For example, when the individual acts in an evenhanded and fair-minded manner in the future, you should reinforce that behavior.
Difficult people sometimes need to see their positive characteristics through the eyes of others before they can find the courage to change. You’re giving the person the benefit of the doubt when you say you aren’t sure that he knows he’s a difficult person. When you thank him for being patient, you’re attributing to him the behavior you’d like to see him demonstrate. When he does demonstrate that behavior, you should reinforce it by drawing attention to it. Remember to expect the best from difficult people, and in response, they just might try to deliver their best.
The Communication Styles of Difficult People
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To communicate effectively with a difficult person in your workplace, you first have to know something about that person’s communication style. There are four basic communication styles you’ll encounter in your workplace—concise, analytical, nurturing, and creative.
Each style is fairly self-descriptive. For example, a person with a concise style uses as few words as possible to communicate, and may be seen as difficult to deal with because this person can be brusque. A person with an analytical style will ask lots of questions to gather information and must have all the facts to make a decision. A person with a nurturing style will be friendly, sensitive, and proper, and will expect courtesy when communicating with others. And a person with a creative style will be full of energy and ideas, but may have trouble staying on topic.
When it comes to communication styles, most people favor the styles that mirror their own. But to communication as effectively as possible with co-workers, and especially with difficult people, you may have to vary your communication style to match the other person’s style. Follow the two steps listed below to implement this strategy, so you can communicate successfully with difficult co-workers.
1. Determine the difficult person’s communication style.
You can determine the difficult person’s communication style by observing how he or she talks with others. Then simply match the characteristics the difficult person displays to the descriptions above to determine if the person uses a concise, analytical, nurturing, or creative communication style.
2. Communicate using a complementary style.
The second step, communicating using a complementary style, requires you to set aside your preferred communication style and adopt one that complements the difficult person’s style. If you need to work better with the concise communicator, first think about what he’s like: He wants you to speak in quick, succinct sound bites. If you take forever to get to the point, he’s going to become irritated. A lot of people find the concise communicator “difficult” and take this person’s brusqueness personally. If you want to communicate effectively with him, don’t let his behavior get to you. Instead, change the way you communicate with him. Be prepared, organized, brief, and confident.
Analytical communicators think linearly and often are conservative. They want to have all the facts before they make a decision. The word spontaneous probably isn’t in an analytical communicator’s vocabulary. And you may not find many analytical communicators at parties, since they prefer to keep to themselves. If you’re having problems dealing with an analytical communicator, be specific, don’t skip around, and be deadline-driven.
To communicate effectively with a nurturing communicator, you need to be friendly and polite, since friendliness and acceptance are important to this person. You can—and should—maintain boundaries with this type of communicator, but don’t be abrupt or rude. When dealing with this person, be positive, patient, and personable, schedule time to chat, and be sure to recognize the person’s achievements.
Getting the attention of a creative communicator is always the first step to communicating well with him. He’s a bundle of energy, and you’re going to have to crank up your energy level to keep up with him.
On the surface, none of the four communication styles necessarily presents an opportunity for difficulty. However, when someone has a style that differs from yours, it’s easy for you to begin to perceive that person as difficult. And when someone takes a style to an extreme, communicating with that person can definitely become difficult. To work effectively with this person, it pays to determine how he or she communicates, and then use a complementary style.
Communicating Clearly with Difficult People
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If you want to speak to be heard, then you must make sure that both your message and your intent are clear. This is particularly important when you’re communicating with a difficult person. You must take nothing for granted. To be certain your message is heard the way you want it to be heard, follow the four guidelines listed below.
1. Match your tone to your words.
Tone is important. If, for instance, you tell someone you’re happy to see her, but your tone is flat and unexpressive, she won’t believe your statement. She hears your tone, not your words. It’s a mixed message, and that’s poor communication. If you want to be heard, make sure the tone of your voice is in harmony with your message. If there’s a reason why there’s a clash between your tone and your words—you’re tired, for instance—explain that to your listener.
2. Clarify your message.
If you’re speaking to someone and you notice your message is not having the intended effect, then back up and clarify what you mean.
3. Express feedback in a positive way.
The minute most people hear something negative come out of your mouth, they stop listening and start preparing a defense. If you want a difficult person to change his behavior, you need to state your feedback as constructively as possible. You can use the following four strategies to provide positive feedback.
When offering feedback, use “I” statements, not “you” statements. If you speak for yourself, criticism is more acceptable. For example, say, “I feel…” and not “You should….”
Don’t speak in generalities. Instead, give specific examples of times the employee displayed inappropriate behavior. Then ask the person if he knows why his current behavior was unacceptable.
Explain how negative behavior is self-defeating. If you explain that negative behavior has negative personal consequences, like delaying a raise or promotion, then the difficult person has a better chance of understanding the long-term effect of his actions.
Offer new behavior options. Again, be specific. Difficult people sometimes have trouble understanding how to change, so be clear about possible solutions and their positive consequences.
4. Don’t allow interruptions.
Corrective suggestions aren’t always accepted by difficult people. They might fight your comments with a barrage of protests or insults. One way you can halt this interruption is to repeat the person’s name over and over. If Roger interrupts you and refuses to stop talking, simply keep saying, “Roger, Roger, Roger” in a calm voice. Eventually, Roger will quiet down to find out what you want, and you can proceed to make your point.
You could also hold up a hand and ask the difficult person to let you finish speaking. Or you could combine both of these suggestions: Say the person’s name, and then ask him to let you finish speaking before he responds.
Remember, when dealing with difficult people, if you follow the four guidelines listed above, and communicate your message clearly, you’ll be well on your way to effective communication.
Using Nonverbal Clues with Difficult People
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When communicating with a difficult person, words are not the only resources available to you. Nonverbal clues such as body language and facial expressions are a crucial part of getting your message across. You can establish rapport with a difficult person by using the following nonverbal ways to communicate.
Open and relaxed body language
Using open and relaxed body language is the first way to positively influence an interaction. Strong, confident indicators are open, uncrossed arms; hands clasped behind the back; and fast-paced walking with erect posture and swinging arms. Sitting on the edge of your chair, as opposed to slumping, indicates interest and attentiveness, as does moving your chair closer to the other person’s chair. If appropriate, loosening your tie or taking off your jacket also indicates that you’re relaxed, comfortable, and ready to proceed.
Body language should always be appropriate. If your boss is discussing a serious subject, for instance, swinging a leg over the arm of your chair doesn’t show relaxation; it indicates insolence or a disregard for the severity of the matter. When in doubt, mirror the body language of the person you’re with.
A good rule of thumb is to avoid negative body language such as crossing your legs or arms, clenching your hands or jaw, rubbing the back of your neck, or running your fingers through your hair.
Sometimes, defensiveness or fear of a new situation can cause someone to inadvertently use negative body language. In these instances, the person isn’t trying to be negative, but instead is just nervous or upset. Be aware of signs of nervousness, such as fidgeting hands, finger tapping, jangling pocket contents, lip biting, or head scratching.
Friendly facial expressions
The second way to positively influence an interaction is to use friendly facial expressions. Your facial expressions, especially the nonverbal messages revealed by your eyes, give others indications of your attitudes and feelings.
Remember, effective communication includes nonverbal clues such as open and relaxed body language and friendly facial expressions. Both of these tools will help you cope successfully with difficult people.
Listening Actively with Difficult People
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Most people, even difficult people, like to be heard. As a result, you should understand how to listen actively. The art of listening actively can pay dividends when working with a difficult person. To communicate more effectively, use the active listening strategies listed below.
1. Rephrase or repeat the speaker’s words.
One of the active listening strategies is to rephrase or repeat what the speaker just said. Eliminate preconceptions and listen. Once you’ve heard the person, repeat his or her words. This sends a message that you are listening and that you consider what the person says to be important.
2. Ask questions for clarification.
Another active listening strategy deals with clarifying the message you just heard. To clarify, ask questions like, “Who?” “What?” “Where?” “When?” “How?” and “Why?” These are open-ended questions designed to elicit more than just a simple “Yes” or “No” response. For example, ask “Who was involved?” not “Were several people involved?”
3. Confirm that you understood correctly.
This strategy can be used at any point during the conversation, but it’s especially good to use before concluding a conversation. For example, you could say, “Before we wrap up the meeting, let me just recap the pertinent points: We’re going to use light gray paper, and the brochures will be delivered next Monday, right?”
If you rephrase, clarify, and confirm what someone has said, that person will be less defensive, more open to communication, and hopefully less difficult.
